Category Archives: Humor

Knock-down, Drag-out

Cracked knuckles and split lips,

This is our dance. Pulling hair,

Bruising egos, building up

Ourselves and tearing each

Other down. “Here is why

I’m right. Let me show you

Everywhere you’re wrong.”

 

I’m never so happy

As when we spar


Death Metal Angel

I name you angel, for I know you must

Be (ethereal with an alien

tongue, your body like a vision of lust

And blood.) I call you a valkyrie, venom-

 

Tipped blade in one hand, the other a fist

Raised to the sky, pumping, punctuating

Every laugh and snarl that flows from your lips.

From the pit, I watch you ascend, soaring

 

On the backs of lesser creatures, combat

Boots launching you towards the lights of the stage.

Dís, ride the immortal energy that

We exude, embrace our joy and our rage.

 

I worship you, Goddess of Destruction,

Though you’re a vision from a concussion


Ode to a Keyboard

This machine doesn’t kill fascists

But it really pisses them off

 

Rat-a-tatting day and night

Fueled by nobility and banality

In equal measure

 

A weapon in the hands of

A supersoldier infused with

Caffiene and alcohol and

An overinflated sense of self

 

I see you through a scope darkly

Racist, sexist, pandering

Woefully ignorant

(I have been training my whole life

To put a letter through your heart)


Blanket Objectification

From the pedestal to the grave

Oh, napped one, how far you’ve fallen

Your black body once bathed in flames

Now pilling because I’m not calling


Living with Ghosts

This poem is a tritina, a form inspired by the sestina (which is an absurdly complex form.) I intended for this piece to be a companion to “How to Haunt a House,” which I wrote for NaPoWriMo two years ago (almost to the day, in fact!) I thought, “Hey, that was a sestina, this one can be a tritina, the forms are linked, the subject matter is related, and so forth. I’m so clever!”

Except “How to Haunt a House” was actually a pantoum, not a sestina. I wrote a few sestinas back in my grad school days (I believe one of them was about zombies? Or cannibalism? Something about flesh-eating, at any rate,) but there are actually none on this blog.

Whoops.

Anyway, please enjoy this tritina!

I felt your touch on my mind this morning,

Your fingers running down my cheek, gentle

And sweet and loving. Then the claws came out.

 

Walk the streets. This city is something out

Of a nightmare pop-up book. The morning

Can’t dispel the dream, the sun too gentle.

 

Same old memories, echoes as gentle

As a sledgehammer to the face. Out, out,

Damned spot. Let me be done with my mourning.

 

You were the more gentle by far, creature of the morning, out and apart and above. I haunt myself.


Duodecim Pizze

As the gods shaped man from clay,

So too do we make life by kneading

Flour and water together

 

Us, little Lords and Ladies, mixing

And molding, apportioning,

Erecting scaffolds and chains of structure

 

We grant this world to ourselves,

An unbroken circle to be divided evenly

To be savored and enjoyed,

Consumed and remembered fondly,

A template for the next one


Voice-Acting Script

Temporary pause on your regularly scheduled programming. Instead, here’s a script I wrote for my friend for them to use in a voice-acting audition. They created the characters and their basic personalities, and I came up with the scenario. Citizen Kane it ain’t, but it’s meant to showcase my buddy’s various character voices rather than my writing. Maybe if the audition goes well or they ever record the reading, I’ll post a link to it. In the meantime, enjoy!

EXT. “NOT NEW YORK” CITY
MELVIN, S.O.N.N.Y., and DOCTOR GESUNDHEIT stand on a street
corner.

ANNOUNCER
The setting – a bustling American
city. The time – modern day. The
people – one well-meaning but
insane scientist, his robotic
sidekick, and his young lab
assistant. The situation – well,
you’ll find out.

MELVIN
Gee, Doc, what are we doing out
here? I thought you said we were
doing important lab work today.

DOCTOR GESUNDHEIT
Ve vere! But zen I thought to
myself, “It is such a nice day, vhy
don’t ve do some field vork
instead?” So, ve are going to test
my superhero serum!

MELVIN
Oh, okay. Wait a minute, what?!

S.O.N.N.Y.
The doctor has prepared a serum to
turn ordinary individuals into
superpowered specimens of human
perfection.

MELVIN
Gee, Doc. That sounds… uh,
interesting… but why?

DOCTOR GESUNDHEIT
Because ze evil Lord Drax has sworn
zat he ist going to come to zis
spot und kill us all!

MELVIN
What?! Oh, my God! Why?

S.O.N.N.Y.
Because the doctor got drunk one
night a week ago and used the
transdimensional communicator to
insult Lord Drax’s broodmother.

MELVIN
Doc!

DOCTOR GESUNDHEIT
Ach, stupid robot! Look, it doesn’t
matter who insulted who’s
broodmother or who made disparaging
remarks about who’s carapace. Ze
important thing is zat ve stop ze
alien menace.

MELVIN
How are we going to do that?

DOCTOR GESUNDHEIT
Simple! Ze superhero serum vill
give you incredible powers and you
will use zem to crush ze alien and
see him driven before you!

MELVIN
Me? Well, I guess that’s cool, but
I don’t know that I’m the best
person for the job.

DOCTOR GESUNDHEIT
Nonsense, my boy! You’ll do
vunderfully! And besides, I already
put ze serum in your cereal zis
morning. It should be kicking in
any second now.

Melvin falls to the ground and starts making noises as if
he’s alternately in immense pain and pleasure. The sound of
a rift opening in space-time can be heard growing steadily
louder.

OL’ MAN JENKINS
Doo doo, just going for a walk.
Lovely day for a walk. Lovely day
for an ominous portal in the sky
like a bleeding wound in the very
fabric of reality. Lovely — OH, MY
HIP!

LORD DRAX
TREMBLE, PUNY HUMANS! YOUR
DESTRUCTION IS AT HAND!

OL’ MAN JENKINS
Oh, God, you’re standing on my
chest!

LORD DRAX
BRING ME YOUR WORLD LEADERS! BRING
ME YOUR WEALTHY AND YOUR POWERFUL!
BRING ME THE ONE WHO SAID MY DEAR
SWEET BROODMOTHER WAS AS FAT AS A
GAMORREAN LARD EEL!

OL’ MAN JENKINS
Why won’t you get off my chest?!

DOCTOR GESUNDHEIT
Ah, right on schedule! Alright,
boy! Get him!

Melvin continues making odd, unpleasant noises.

DOCTOR GESUNDHEIT
Hm. I may have made a
miscalculation.

S.O.N.N.Y.
Doctor, I tried to tell you this
plan had less than a 10% chance of
success.

DOCTOR GESUNDHEIT
Vell, vhy didn’t you try harder!

S.O.N.N.Y.
You threatened to erase my memory
and use my motherboard as a
coaster.

DOCTOR GESUNDHEIT
Ah. I see. Vell, only vun zing to
do. RUN AVAY!

The sound of Doctor Gesundheit’s shoes slapping against the
pavement can be heard, followed by a mechanical sigh and the
sound of S.O.N.N.Y. clanking as he follows.

LORD DRAX
YES, RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN! IT
WILL NOT SAVE YOU! I SHALL LEAD MY
ARMY FROM THIS VERY SPOT, ATOP YOUR
MOST BELOVED SENIOR CITIZEN!

OL’ MAN JENKINS
Oh, my lumbago!

END


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